How to Use Choices to Promote Cooperation and Reduce Defiance

1 June 2025

Parenting is tough. Kids have a natural instinct to test boundaries, and sometimes, it feels like every request turns into a battle. Whether it's getting dressed in the morning or sitting down for homework, defiance can turn even the simplest tasks into major struggles.

But here’s the good news—there’s a simple yet powerful strategy that can encourage cooperation without constant power struggles: offering choices.

Giving kids choices helps them feel more in control, reduces resistance, and fosters independence. Instead of hearing "no" all the time, they get a say in what happens. And when they feel like they have some control, they’re more likely to cooperate.

So, how do you use choices effectively? Let’s dive in.

Why Do Kids Resist?

Before we talk about using choices, it’s important to understand why kids resist in the first place.

Children, like adults, crave control over their lives. When everything is dictated to them—what to wear, when to eat, what to do—they may start pushing back. This is especially true for toddlers and teenagers, two age groups that love to assert independence.

Defiance isn’t always about being difficult; sometimes, it's a way for kids to express their need for autonomy. When they feel powerless, saying no is their way of taking back control.

How Choices Reduce Defiance

When children are given options, they feel empowered rather than controlled. Instead of issuing commands, you give them a role in decision-making. This small shift can make a world of difference.

For example, instead of saying:

🚫 "Put on your shoes right now!"

Try:

✔️ "Do you want to wear your sneakers or your sandals today?"

It might seem like a small change, but it allows your child to feel like they have a say. They still have to put on shoes, but now they get to decide which ones.

The Psychology Behind It

The beauty of offering choices is that it works with a child's natural desire for control. When kids feel like they have a choice, they are less likely to resist because the decision feels like theirs.

It’s all about perception. Instead of feeling forced, they feel included in the process. The result? Less pushback, more cooperation.

How to Offer Choices the Right Way

Not all choices are created equal. Giving children too many options can be overwhelming, while offering choices that don’t actually exist can lead to frustration. Here’s how to do it right.

1. Offer Two (or Three) Choices at Most

Too many options can cause decision paralysis. Keep it simple—two or three choices will do the trick.

Instead of:

🚫 "What do you want for breakfast?" (This could lead to unrealistic requests for ice cream or pizza.)

Try:

✔️ "Do you want eggs or oatmeal for breakfast?"

By limiting the choices, you guide their decision in a way that still gives them control but keeps things manageable.

2. Make Sure Both Choices Are Acceptable

Only offer options that you’re comfortable with. If you ask, "Do you want to clean up now or later?", be prepared for "later" to mean "never."

A better approach:

✔️ "Do you want to clean up before dinner or right after?"

Both options meet your goal, but your child still gets a say in the process.

3. Use Choices to Redirect Resistance

When a child refuses to do something, offer a choice that shifts the focus.

Instead of:

🚫 "You have to do your homework now!"

Try:

✔️ "Do you want to do your homework at the kitchen table or your desk?"

By making the task feel less forced, you reduce resistance and make cooperation more likely.

4. Frame It as a Win-Win Situation

Instead of making it feel like an ultimatum, keep the choices positive.

🚫 "Do you want to brush your teeth, or do you want cavities?" (Fear-based choices can create anxiety.)

✔️ "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bedtime story?" (A positive reinforcement approach.)

This makes tasks feel more like part of their routine rather than a punishment.

5. Respect Their Decisions

Once your child makes a choice, respect it. If they pick the blue shirt instead of the red one, go with it. Overruling their decision sends the message that their choices don’t matter, making them more resistant next time.

When Choices Don’t Work

While offering choices is an effective tool, it’s not a magic fix for every situation. Sometimes, kids will still push back. Here’s how to handle those moments.

1. When Safety is Non-Negotiable

Certain things—like wearing a seatbelt or crossing the street safely—aren't up for debate. Instead of giving them control over whether to follow the rule, shift the focus to how.

🚫 "Do you want to wear your seatbelt?" (This implies they have a choice when they really don’t.)

✔️ "Do you want to buckle your seatbelt, or do you want me to help you?" (They still get a say in how it happens.)

2. When a Child Refuses Both Options

If your child rejects both choices, stay calm and repeat the options. If they still resist, you can gently but firmly follow through.

🚫 "Pick one, or I’ll do it for you!" (This can feel like a threat.)

✔️ "You can choose, or I can choose for you this time." (This puts the responsibility back on them.)

If they continue to refuse, you make the decision—calmly and without anger.

3. When They Need More Guidance

Younger children and kids with decision-making difficulties may struggle with choices. In that case, offer guidance or make the choice for them but explain why.

✔️ "You seem unsure, so today I’ll pick your snack. Tomorrow you can decide."

This approach helps them build confidence in making decisions over time.

The Long-Term Benefits of Using Choices

When you consistently use choices to encourage cooperation, you’re not just avoiding power struggles—you’re teaching important life skills.

✔️ Problem-solving: Kids learn how to make decisions and think critically.

✔️ Responsibility: They understand that their choices have consequences.

✔️ Confidence: Making decisions helps build self-esteem.

✔️ Respectful communication: They see cooperation as a two-way street rather than an endless battle of wills.

Final Thoughts

Giving children choices is one of the simplest, yet most effective, ways to reduce defiance and encourage cooperation. Instead of power struggles, you create opportunities for your child to feel heard, respected, and in control—all while guiding them toward the right decisions.

So, the next time your child resists, don’t dive straight into a battle. Take a deep breath, offer a choice, and watch how quickly the dynamic shifts.