The Role of Fairness in Sibling Relationships

28 May 2025

Let’s be honest—raising kids isn’t easy. Throw a couple of siblings into the mix, and things can get downright chaotic. From arguments over who gets the last cookie to heated debates about bedtime, sibling relationships are often a rollercoaster of emotions. But here’s the kicker: fairness can play a massive role in whether those rollercoasters lead to sibling rivalry or lifelong bonds.

As parents, we want our kids to grow up loving, respecting, and (hopefully) liking each other. And while they'll still have their moments of "Mom, he touched my stuff!" or "Dad, she got a bigger slice!", teaching fairness can be the glue that holds their bond together. So, what exactly is the role of fairness in sibling relationships? Grab a coffee, settle in, and let’s dive into all the nitty-gritty details.

What Does Fairness Even Mean in Parenting?

Fairness doesn’t always mean treating everyone exactly the same. Wait, what? Yep, you read that right. Fairness in a family setting is more about equity than equality.

Think of it this way: Imagine you’re handing out shoes to your kids. One wears a size 6, and the other wears a size 10. Would you give them both size 8 shoes just to treat them "equally"? Of course not! Fairness is about giving each child what they need to thrive, even if it looks different.

And the reality is, kids notice when things feel unfair, even if they don’t fully understand why. They’re like tiny detectives, always watching for clues about whether they’re being treated as less important or less loved. When they feel things are fair, it builds trust—not just with you but also with each other.

Why Fairness Matters in Sibling Relationships

1. It Reduces Rivalry

Let’s face it—siblings can be each other’s biggest rivals. Whether it’s fighting over who gets the “good” seat in the car or who gets to choose the movie on family night, competition is practically built into sibling dynamics.

When fairness is at the center of your parenting, though, it helps reduce that constant sense of competition. Instead of thinking, "Mom and Dad like them better," kids learn to see that everyone gets their moment to shine. And when kids genuinely feel like they’re on equal footing, they’re less likely to keep tabs on who got what and start focusing on being a team.

2. It Builds Empathy

Fairness doesn’t just benefit the sibling bond—it also helps kids develop empathy, a priceless life skill. When you explain why one child gets something the other doesn’t (like why your teenager needs a later bedtime than your kindergartener), it helps both siblings understand that everyone’s needs are different.

Over time, they start to see the world from each other’s perspective. They’ll realize that just because one sibling gets a little extra attention today doesn’t mean they’re loved less. It’s like planting seeds of compassion that will grow over time.

3. It Strengthens Their Relationship for Life

Think about your own siblings (if you have them). Do you get along great, or is there still some unresolved tension from the past? A lot of that boils down to how fairness—or the lack of it—played a role in your childhood.

When kids grow up in a household where fairness is a priority, they’re more likely to maintain positive relationships with each other as adults. Why? Because fairness fosters respect and appreciation. When siblings respect each other, they’re more likely to have each other’s backs in the long run.

How to Practice Fairness as a Parent

Okay, so fairness is important. But how do you actually make it happen in the day-to-day chaos of parenting? Don’t worry—I’ve got some practical tips for you.

1. Individualize Your Approach

Remember what we talked about earlier? Fair isn’t always “equal.” Each child has their own unique needs, strengths, and challenges, and it’s your job as a parent to recognize and respond to them.

For example, maybe one kid struggles in math and needs extra tutoring, while another has a passion for soccer and needs a new pair of cleats. Spending money on tutoring for one doesn’t mean you have to match it dollar-for-dollar on cleats. The goal is to support each child in the way they need it most.

2. Be Transparent About Decisions

Kids thrive on understanding. If you make a decision that could be seen as "unfair," take a moment to explain your reasoning.

Let’s say one child gets a new bike for their birthday while the other doesn’t. Instead of brushing off the inevitable "Why didn’t I get one too?" question, calmly explain, “Your birthday’s coming up soon, and this is their special gift for today.” A little communication goes a long way in making things feel fair.

3. Avoid Comparisons

This one’s worth emphasizing: Comparing your kids is a recipe for disaster. Saying things like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your brother never does this!” only fuels resentment and competition.

Instead, focus on each child’s individual progress and achievements. Celebrate their wins without holding them up against each other.

4. Set Clear Rules and Boundaries

Consistency is king when it comes to fairness. If one child gets disciplined for breaking a rule, the same rule should apply to the other.

Of course, there’s room for flexibility based on age or circumstances (your 4-year-old probably doesn’t need the same lecture as your teenager). But overall, having a family structure that feels predictable and consistent helps eliminate claims of favoritism.

5. Teach Them to Resolve Conflicts Themselves

Fairness isn’t just about what you do as a parent—it’s also about what you teach your kids to do. Encouraging siblings to work out their own disagreements (within reason, of course) can help them learn negotiation and compromise.

For example, if they’re arguing over a toy, resist the urge to swoop in as the referee. Instead, suggest they brainstorm a solution together: “Maybe you can take turns, or maybe there’s a way to play with it together.”

Over time, they’ll build the skills they need to handle conflict maturely, both with each other and in other relationships.

Fairness Isn’t About Perfection

Let’s be real—no parent is perfect, and fairness is something we’re all figuring out as we go. There will be times when one child feels slighted or when you make a judgment call that doesn’t sit well with everyone involved. And that’s okay.

What matters most is your effort and intention. If your kids know you’re trying to be fair and that you love them equally (even if you love them differently), they’ll forgive the occasional misstep.

Fairness isn’t about walking a tightrope—it’s about creating an environment where everyone feels valued and respected.

Final Thoughts

Sibling relationships can be tough to navigate, but they’re also one of life’s greatest gifts. By prioritizing fairness in your parenting style, you’re laying the groundwork for a strong, healthy bond between your kids—one that will (hopefully) last a lifetime.

Remember, fairness isn’t about everything being the same. It’s about meeting each child where they are, valuing their individuality, and teaching them to respect and support each other. And trust me, when you see your kids laughing together, helping each other, or sticking up for one another, you’ll know it’s all worth it.

So, if you’re wondering whether teaching fairness really makes a difference—spoiler alert—it absolutely does.