Supporting Your Child Through Performance Anxiety

24 September 2025

Let’s be real—watching your child melt down before a school play, an exam, or a sports game can be downright heartbreaking. You want to scoop them up and take that worry away. But what if instead of “rescuing” them, we walked alongside them and helped them face it?

Performance anxiety isn't just an adult thing. Kids feel it too—sometimes even more intensely because they haven’t yet built the emotional toolkit to manage it. Whether it’s stage fright, test anxiety, or the jitters before a big game, it’s a very real and very common feeling.

So, how can you support your child through performance anxiety without turning it into a bigger deal? That’s exactly what we’re diving into today.

What Is Performance Anxiety in Children?

Performance anxiety, also known as stage fright, is the stress or fear a child experiences before or during situations where they're expected to perform. This can be anything from giving a class presentation to taking a spelling test or trying out for the soccer team.

What does it look like? Kids may complain about a tummy ache, suddenly "hate" the activity they once loved, or desperately look for reasons to skip it altogether. Sound familiar?

Common Signs Include:

- Avoiding the activity or situation
- Physical symptoms like nausea, headaches, or sweating
- Negative self-talk: “I can’t do it,” “I’m going to mess up”
- Trouble sleeping the night before
- Sudden outbursts or becoming unusually quiet

The thing is—this isn’t about laziness or being unprepared. It’s fear talking, not your child's actual ability.

Why Do Kids Experience Performance Anxiety?

There are a bunch of reasons why kids feel this pressure. For some, it’s the fear of messing up in front of others. For others, it’s the weight of their own high expectations—or ours.

Let’s break it down:

- Fear of judgment: Kids worry about what others will think if they fail.
- Perfectionism: They set unrealistically high standards for themselves.
- Pressure to please: Whether it’s you, a teacher, or a coach, they don’t want to disappoint.
- Past experiences: A previous embarrassing moment can leave a lasting mark.

And honestly, we’ve all felt that way at some point. Remember your first job interview? Or being called on in a packed meeting? It's the same feeling—just in smaller shoes.

How to Support Your Child Through Performance Anxiety

Alright, now to the good stuff. Here’s how you can help your little one navigate this stress in a way that empowers rather than protects them.

1. Normalize Their Feelings

First off, let them know it’s totally normal to feel nervous.

Say something like:
“You know, even adults get nervous before they have to perform. That feeling in your belly just means you care.”

When kids understand they’re not alone—or “weird” for feeling this way—they’re less likely to spiral into shame or frustration.

2. Avoid Minimizing or Dismissing

We mean well when we say things like “You’ll be fine” or “Don’t worry about it.” But for many kids, those phrases feel like a brush-off.

Instead, go with:
“I see that you’re nervous, and that makes sense. Want to talk about what’s stressing you out?”

Validation goes a long way. It’s like giving them a cozy blanket of empathy.

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

Preparation builds confidence. Help your child practice whatever they’re worried about in a low-pressure setting.

- Rehearse that book report in front of the dog (no judgment from Fido)
- Quiz them gently before a test
- Practice the piano piece in short, snack-sized sessions

The key is to make practice fun and manageable—not grueling or stress-inducing.

4. Teach Relaxation Techniques

Deep breathing might sound cliché, but it seriously works. Here are a few quick kid-friendly breathing exercises:

- Smell the flower, blow out the candle. (Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth.)
- Box breathing. Inhale 4 counts, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4—like tracing a square in the air.
- Teddy bear breathing. Lie down and watch a teddy on your belly go up and down slowly.

These simple techniques calm the nervous system and help your child regain control.

5. Focus on Effort, Not Outcome

Shift your praise from “You scored a goal!” to “I loved how hard you tried!”

When kids focus on effort and progress rather than perfection, they build resilience. It turns performance into a learning experience—not a win-or-lose situation.

6. Share Your Own Stories

Sharing your own experiences with nervousness helps your child feel less alone. Maybe it was bombing a college presentation or getting the jitters before a work pitch.

Let them know:
“I was nervous too, but I got through it—and you will, too.”

You’re not just a parent here—you’re their role model.

7. Use Visualization

Athletes do this all the time, and it’s powerful for kids too. Help them picture themselves succeeding.

Try something like:
“Close your eyes and imagine yourself walking up confidently, doing your thing, and feeling proud afterward.”

Visualization helps their brain rehearse the event—and boosts confidence like a mental pep talk.

8. Create a Calming Routine

Routines are like security blankets. Creating a mini ritual before a performance can ground your child and make the unknown feel a bit more...known.

Maybe it’s:
- A hug and a high-five
- Listening to a favorite song
- Repeating a personal mantra: “I am brave, and I can do hard things.”

Whatever works—consistency is the name of the game.

When to Consider Professional Help

Most kids experience anxiety now and then, but if it’s interfering with school, friendships, or daily routines, it might be time to consider extra support.

Watch for red flags like:
- Ongoing sleep issues
- Frequent physical complaints before events
- Withdrawing from loved ones
- Refusing to attend school or activities they used to enjoy

A child therapist or counselor can help untangle the anxiety and teach coping skills in a safe space.

Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of failure—it’s an act of love.

What NOT to Do (Seriously, Take Note)

We’re all doing our best, but here are a few common missteps to avoid:

❌ Over-scheduling your child

More activities don’t mean more confidence. It often leads to burnout—and more anxiety.

❌ Comparing them to others

Johnny doesn’t get nervous? Good for Johnny. But your child is on their own journey. Comparison only adds fuel to the anxiety fire.

❌ Ignoring or punishing the behavior

If your child is panicking before a recital, yelling or punishing them can create trauma. Choose understanding over discipline in moments of fear.

Final Thoughts: Your Calm is Contagious

Here’s something powerful to remember—you’re your child’s emotional anchor. If you’re calm, they pick up on that vibe. If you’re anxious, they’ll feel that too.

So breathe, smile, and remind them (and yourself): this is a moment, not a meltdown.

Raising confident, emotionally resilient kids doesn’t mean shielding them from fear. It means guiding them through it, hand in hand. And in doing so, you’re not just helping with this performance—you’re helping for life.

Quick Recap: Your Anxiety-Fighting Toolkit

Let’s wrap it up with a quick checklist:

✅ Normalize their feelings
✅ Validate, don’t dismiss
✅ Practice makes confidence
✅ Use simple breathing tools
✅ Praise effort, not outcome
✅ Share your own struggles
✅ Try visualization
✅ Create calming rituals
✅ Watch for red flags
✅ Seek help if needed

And above all—believe in them. Even when they're too scared to believe in themselves.